TL;DR: Don’t overthink your problems, if there’s an attention black hole on your phone, but you still have good reasons to use it a little bit, just get a separate physical device to put it on.
This year a long term relationship ended. A few months later, I felt ready to date again and faced a decision:
I was living in world #1 until the moment of unfortunate clarity when I asked a friend about his eligible female friends. After a painfully long pause, he offered: “Oh, [REDACTED] is single!” followed by an …. even …. longer …… pause …. and “Oh but she’s nearly six feet tall, and you’re also not a cowboy which is probably a dealbreaker”.
That sealed it. I needed an “all of the above” approach, apps included.
What’s so bad about the apps? Lots of things, but mainly this: The apps are black holes of attention. They will take everything you are willing to give, and you, yes YOU dear reader, will give far too much.
If you’ve been on these apps, you know what I’m talking about. If not, try installing one. You’ll sit on the toilet and feel an urge to see what that next profile is. Why not just take a look? Or you’ll sit on the couch wondering “did that match message me?” only to emerge from a daze an hour later, no message, but you’ve “decided” to spend that hour agonizing over your profile photos.
This post isn’t really about the problems with the apps though. You might read that description and think of Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, Reddit, whatever. This post is about one very specific solution to help with any application that makes you feel this way.
If your solution is self-control or screen time limits, I have bad news: You’re not strong enough. I’m certainly not. Be honest - you aren’t either.
Don’t overthink it. If it’s in your pocket all the time, you’ll engage way too much, so KEEP IT OUT OF YOUR POCKET.
On the left is an iPhone 15 Pro. It cost more money than I care to think about and it contains every part of my digital life.
On the right is a refurbished iPhone 12 ($200). This is not a place of honor, and no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. It has one application on it - Hinge. This is an attention black hole that also occasionally connects me to a charming new person who wants to get to know me.
This phone sits safely on a shelf in my office closet. I check it every now and then, with no specific limits on my use or protocol other than putting it back in my closet to charge when I’m done. I never use Hinge from anywhere else.
Why is this better than app limits or willpower alone? The physical separation creates just enough inconvenience. I don’t want to carry two phones, and my life is on my primary phone anyways.
When I match with someone, I’ll chat on the dating app phone for a bit before exchanging numbers. Most matches don’t care about response times - you can always say “I’ll chat later when I get home.”
DON’T OVERTHINK YOUR PROBLEMS